Dreams

I've been on work-related travel for the past four weeks.  Between the airports, long drives, sleepless nights and tons of work I realized I stopped dreaming.

Somewhere over the past 2-3 years I stopped wanting to impact the world.....change myself for the better.....love again.....live again......

I wish I knew the reason why this happened, but at least I realized that I was walking around unfulfilled.   It would be wonderful to know why I have no motivation to do anything.  Why I continue to stay stagnant.  Why I stopped living.

But I doubt I ever will.  I guess the first step was to admit that I stopped dreaming.

I have no idea what the next step is.  I will attempt to motivate myself and get back to dreaming....living....loving.  All of those things start with me.

Internally, I'm still battling some issues of guilt, low self esteem, feelings of failure, etc.

I have to accept myself and my past for what it is.  There are things I can change about myself, but NOTHING I can do about the past.

The way I see it is I have about two months to get a plan together and execute it.  I could just wait until 2015, but I want to dream again.

Open Season

Over the weekend a young black man was by the name of Mike Brown, was murdered by a white police officer in Ferguson, Missouri.  According to multiple sources, he was unarmed.  Another young brown male was with Mr. Brown and has stated to several news outlets that the police officer approached them in a disrespectful manner, cursed at them, and subsequently hit one of them with the door of his/her police cruiser.  He states that Mr. Brown was in a surrender pose when he was shot multiple times. 

This hurts my heart.  It seems to be open season on our young black men.  They are being killed with no regard and no consequence.  It seems as though the majority is out to finish what they stated decades ago, killing us off.  Mike Brown could have been my baby, my nephew.

The black community is PISSED, especially those in Ferguson and the surrounding areas.  They have taken to the streets in a series of silent/non-silent protest that have resulted in riots, looting, tear gas, rubber bullets, arrests and more.  

I'm not a fan of rioting/looting, however, I empathize with them.  My thought is they feel this is the only way their voices will be heard.  There is no coverage of the crime, racial profiling, harassment, poverty and the plagues the area.  Very little has been done to address the issues.

The media is putting a spin on this, as always, and depicting both the victim and the citizens of Ferguson in an unsavory light.  The outrage is NOT on the fact that a young, unarmed, black male lost his life; it is on the rioting and looting.  The powers that be seem to want to change the narrative and not look at the root cause. 

It's just sad.

I weep for young, black youth. 

I weep for all of those we have loss. 

I weep for society.  

Anger Becomes Her

I'm not sure when I became a real woman and realized being "crazy" wasn't cute, but it happened.

I don't remember anyone sitting me down and telling me my temper would lead me away from the things I wanted. 

During my teenage years/early twenties my temper and subsequent behavior was horrible. I would lash out verbally and physically at anyone, without much provocation.

I wish I would have had someone to sit me down with me during my formative years in attempt to teach me how to control my anger, but I didn't.

I'm noticing that a lot of the young women in this generation don't know now to keep their anger under wraps.  There have been numbers of news stories about young women fighting and the such. Cussing people out of no apparent reason....it's just sad.

Perhaps they don't realize that there behavior leads to health and mental problems.  They are hurting themselves more than anything else.

Not sure what I can do to help teach young women that that behavior is not the way to go. I want to do something.  I want to show and teach them how to handle difficult times with grace. I want to teach them the art of "killing them with kindness."

Love

Relationships only work when the people in them actually roll up their sleeves and function as a team.

There have been a few relationships in which I was concerned more about my agenda verses the biggest picture of having a strong, unbreakable bond. Well this last time I believe I put my best foot forward and it didn't work.

I want and believe in lobe and I will never give up the fight to have it.

Love

Relationships only work when the people in them actually roll up their sleeves and function as a team.

There have been a few relationships in which I was concerned more about my agenda verses the biggest picture of having a strong, unbreakable bond. Well this last time I believe I put my best foot forward and it didn't work.

I want and believe in lobe and I will never give up the fight to have it.

Alone

It's been a while since I've felt so alone.

My Birthday Weekend

**Late Post**

So a few weeks ago marked I was blessed to celebrate my 33rd bornday!  The best and maybe worse part about it was that my bornday fell on Mother's Day.

Borndays a VERY important to me.  It's a day to celebrate my birth.  The day I entered into this world full of promise and purpose.

This year was a bit different for me.....and I'm not sure why.

In years past I would grab my friends and have some sort of celebration.  Last year I went to Tae Bo, indoor rock climbing, nail spa, dinner and the club!  This year I stayed in.

On Friday, I went to GLE rehearsal like any other week.  I did leave a hour or so early, but I stayed home after I grabbed a quick bite to eat.

On Saturday, I laid around the house and retwisted my hair.  The highlight, if any, was I got inked!  I went to a respected, local tattoo shop and received my first tat.  Yea, I'm a G now, lol.

On Sunday, my actual bornday, I got up and made breakfast.  After that I really just lounged until my folks came over.

So yea, my actual bornday was pretty uneventful, but I'm looking forward to see what 33 has to offer.